Dear Reader, you may have seen reports detailing Chelsea Clinton’s demand that FOX’s Tucker Carlson be removed from his job, because he questioned the effectiveness of the COVID vaccine.
But wait. There’s more…
CNN News Item: Here’s the untold inside story on Chelsea Clinton’s slam-dunk refutation of Tucker Carlson, who has been questioning the efficacy of the COVID vaccine, since, he claims, the need to wear a mask and avoid large gatherings after vaccination makes the injection-solution to COVID-19 dubious and untenable.
Of course, Clinton was correct in pointing out that public health experts know what’s what and should be obeyed without question or thought. This stinging rebuke to Carlson for his incitement to insurrection should be applauded for its perspicacity. But…
What people haven’t understood until now is: Clinton made her remarks to the press in the Rose Garden, after President Biden fainted, and as she was performing emergency brain surgery to save his life.
Clinton told CNN White House correspondent, Carl Potato, “I had read about surgery and stuff in books and things, and I had a pretty good idea on what to do and all. When Joe finished his remarks about cooperating with China to win a land war against the Russians, and he, like, fell down, I rushed to his side…”
As Biden was lying on his back on the lawn, Clinton removed a pin from her hair and inserted it in Biden’s right ear. She pushed in the pin, impaled his earpiece, which the President uses to receive instructions from Susan Rice, and slowly guided the earpiece out of the aforementioned ear.
Clinton later said, “I sensed the earpiece was putting pressure on his brain and stopping blood flow. I could see redness above his ear and slight swelling and a telltale purple dot on his lip. It was really easy. Textbook. So while I was doing all this, I answered a question from the press about Tucker Carlson and his conspiratorial statements against the vaccine, because I thought he needed to be…he needs to be taken off the air and deplatformed. Censored. He’s a very dangerous man. He has no right to ask these leading questions about the vaccine which, like, all the experts know, is effective and safe.”
CNN has also learned that, as the President was recovering in the White House residence, and a new communication/navigation device was being placed in his elbow, the president’s surgeon, Randall K Cutt, was awarding Chelsea a special certificate for her service. The award permits her to perform operations in area hospitals when COVID-patient overloads leave wards short-staffed.
Cutt told Carl Potato, “This woman is a natural-born healer. She intuitively knows what the rest of us study for years to attain. I would gladly work alongside her performing a heart bypass or a blood clot removal…”
When informed of Clinton’s feat in the Rose Garden, Tucker Carlson said, “This changes everything. I had no idea Chelsea was so talented. I’m going to revisit my understanding of the First Amendment and free speech. It may turn out that silent obedience is what our Forefathers intended. If so, I’ll be downgrading my show to Public Access.”
When reached for comment, Anthony Fauci said, “I certainly applaud Chelsea’s work in the Rose Garden. I hope, as she was saving the President, she was wearing a mask. Maybe two or three. Brain swelling plus SARS-CoV-2 can induce pregnancy in some males…”
Reached at his bunker in Florida, Donald Trump responded, “Warp Speed, Warp Speed, I did it, Fauci wanted to wait, all the big vaccine companies are terrific, the shot in the arm makes America great, I take a booster every week…”
The day after his brain surgery, President Biden told his immediate staff, “I had doubts about Chelsea when she stuck that pin in my ear, but now I’m thinking I want to appoint her Vaccine Czar. The young lady knows injections. They have to be delivered gently. Too many people are stabbing other people. Vaccination isn’t an organization, it’s an idea. You need intellectuals to handle it.”
Chelsea’s press aide informed CNN she was resting after the double effort of saving the President and employing Aristotelian logic to defeat Tucker Carlson, after which she’ll be traveling to a seltzer factory in Ohio to measure CO2 levels, prior to her speech before the United Nations on her climate proposal to reduce oxygen levels in major US cities.
Next week, The New England Journal of Medicine will publish her new study, “Utilizing Gene Replacement to Reduce Whiteness in Hetero-Identifying Women under the Age of 30: Preliminary Results from Albino Mice.”
Celebrating the 25th anniversary of the transfer of missile-guidance technology from the US to China, under her father’s guidance, Chelsea has announced a deal with Northwest Dragon Fashion Limited, a subsidiary of the People’s Republic of China, to produce a line of red surgical scrubs emblazoned with the tag line, “Nuke SARS-CoV-2 with the vaccine today.”
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