Tony Fauci, the Great White Father, is flying to Africa, to save the continent from the latest virus-mutation, which originated in a deli in Beverly Hills.
Fauci gave a statement to reporters at LAX before departing: “We now know that what we’re calling SARS-CoV-6 crossed species from a pastrami sandwich at Fineberg’s Deli on Rodeo Drive, to Fred Reilly, a customer, in late October. Reilly flew to Botswana, where he infected three soccer players who were moonlighting as security guards at a UN cocktail party.”
Fauci will explain to Africa that a new IG Farben drug, RP-1984, which has been stockpiled for 20 years, since it failed to slow the progression of leukemia in rats, will be dropped from planes over the continent.
The drug attacks all cells of the body, preventing them from replicating. The hope is it will also prevent the deli variant from replicating before it kills the host (human beings).
“Preliminary data looks promising,” Fauci stated. “Of course, lockdowns for at least a year, vaccination, mask wearing, and distancing will have to be practiced religiously,” he added.
“Owing to business closures, most African countries will sink into irreversible and desperate debt. The International Monetary Fund, as usual, will tide these countries over with loans. However, this time, the United Nations will usher in a new digital currency for Africa.”
The currency, Fauci asserted, will include Universal Guaranteed Income for every person in Africa—as long as they obey all government dictates without question or protest.
At the White House, Joe Biden said, “I don’t eat pastrami. Nurse Jill won’t let me.”
Deli owner Hank Fineberg told the LA Times, “We didn’t start this. We buy our pastrami from Gornish Garnish, a wholesaler in Brooklyn. Why isn’t the CDC investigating them? Besides, none of our customers have actually gotten sick. So what’s the problem?”
The Times attributes the plunge of the stock market to the deli variant. It also questions California Governor Gavin Newsom’s decision to “leave Rodeo Drive open to shoppers.”
Bill Gates is urging people to eat a pastrami substitute made from dried maple leaves, a pine tar derivative, and salted mica.
A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that “the deli variant causes the body to produce 12 different sets of antibodies, some of which resemble the original SARS-CoV-2. The body then faces the prospect of antibodies attacking antibodies, resulting in a downward vortex resembling a black hole in space…”
NBC states, “Black Lives Matter leaders are huddling with officials at the Ford Foundation, shaping a response to news that the deli variant is sweeping through Africa.”
CBS: “In Africa, the major symptoms associated with the deli variant are weight loss, dehydration, and diarrhea. These symptoms traditionally stem from malnutrition and starvation, but researchers say the variant is now the principal culprit…”
At the White House yesterday, the President’s Press Secretary, Jen Psaki, told reporters, “The dark winter has arrived early. It’s here. The deli variant will necessitate new lockdowns and business closures. President Biden will be issuing a new wide-ranging vaccine mandate in the next few days. At the moment, he is meeting with NIH researchers and poring over the latest data on infection rates. His background in statistical analysis will serve him well in this effort…”
A FOX News reporter asked, “Will Christmas be canceled?”
Psaki replied, “Shopping will proceed. But Jesus was born only once. Is it necessary to keep celebrating the event? The Secretary of State is meeting with Pope Francis to discuss the question.”
The FOX reporter followed up with another query: “What about all the migrants coming across the Southern border? How many are carrying the deli variant?”
Psaki: “We have a new mass testing program called The Wand. It can survey thousands of people at once and detect the presence of viruses. So far, we’ve found only one person at the border who is infected with the deli variant—a former Montana resident. He has been the subject of an FBI manhunt, owing to the fact that he was present at the January 6th Capitol breach. He is now in custody at Walter Reed Hospital. He has no symptoms, which is a bit of a mystery.”
Retiring NIH Director Francis Collins clarified several deli variant issues this morning, on a conference call with reporters: “The new variant is producing different effects in different populations. In Africa, we’re seeing weight loss, dehydration, and diarrhea. In South America, the primary symptom is a dry cough. In Australia, it’s transient leg pain and anger. In Europe, numbness of the extremities and increasing poverty. In the US, waning immunity conferred by the vaccine, hypnotic passivity, and paradoxically, attendance at football games…”
Senator Chuck Schumer has introduced a bill that will compensate victims of the deli variant, in the form of a federal card that can be used to purchase $900 in goods and services. The diagnosing doctor will also receive a card, worth $3900 for each variant case identified.
Don’t leave home without it. Actually, don’t leave home. Lock down.
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