The A-Z of Covid19
Your handy guide for navigating the current crisis
by Mark Chapman, OffGuardian
November 22, 2020
In these troubling times it can be hard to find a clear path through the maze of disinformation and covid-denial. Print the following out and keep it with you at all times. Refer to it when confronted with a Covidiot or any suggesting you try thinking for yourself.
A
ANTI-VAXXER (Sic) Criminal lunatic who is intent on denying everyone the opportunity of ever being vaccinated against anything by means of unsubstantiated neo-religious ravings. Candidate for funny-farms and medical experimentation.
B
BREXIT: Fantasy utopian state believed in by ANTI-VAXXERS and CONSPIRACY THEORISTS.
C
CONSPIRACY THEORIST: Criminally insane individual dedicated to the annihilation of humanity by allowing everyone to die of COVID-19 by alleging that it may not be as deadly as we all know it is. Other characteristics include denying climate change, voting for BREXIT and non-readership of the GUARDIAN.
COVID-19: Unstoppable and totally lethal plague carried by any living organism with 100% mortality rate that can be caught by any living being on the earth. Symptoms include a) being alive and b) living on planet Earth.
D
DEATH: Preventable non-living condition arising from contracting COVID-19. Otherwise represented as falsely arising from conspiracy-theorist-alleged conditions e.g. “cancer”, “heart disease”, “accident”, “being shot,” etc .
DEMOCRACY: Fantasy utopia believed in by ANTI-VAXXERS and CONSPIRACY THEORISTS. Characterised by BREXIT and TRUMP.
E
EPIDEMIOLOGY: Fake science to spread MISINFORMATION about COVID-19.
EXPONENTIAL: Default speed of COVID-19 spread.
F
FACE MASK/COVERING: Essential Personal Protective Equipment for living organisms. ANTI-VAXXERS and CONSPIRACY THEORISTS do not wear them and this renders them easily identifiable.
FACT-CHECKERS: For reference please read Orwell, G,1984 ref: Ministry of Truth.
FREEDOM: Mythical condition believed in by CONSPIRACY THEORISTS and ANTI-VAXXERS (see above). Cited by the aforementioned as something preferable to protection from DEATH (see above) by COVID-19.
G
GATES, BILL: Philanthropist dedicated to saving the world from COVID-19.
GREAT BARRINGTON DECLARATION, THE: Pseudoscientific mumbo-jumbo written by a bunch of QUACKs including “Dr. Johnny Bananas” in order to spread MISINFORMATION about COVID-19.
GREAT RESET: THE: Mythical blueprint for post COVID-19 society. Referred to by ANTI-VAXXERS and CONSPIRACY THEORISTS.
GUARDIAN, THE: Source of reliable and truthful information regarding COVID-19. Required reading. Non-biased, humanist publication written by the most gifted journalists now living.
H
HANCOCK: MATT: Hero of the people dedicated to saving everyone from COVID-19.
HEALTH: Condition of existence characterised by non-infection by COVID-19. Misrepresented by ANTI-VAXXERS and CONSPIRACY THEORISTS as normal, non-pathological state.
I
IMMUNOLOGY: Fake science intended to mislead the public regarding COVID-19.
J
JOHNSON, BORIS: Prime Minister of England. Very funny chap.
K
KOONTZ, DEAN: Author who predicted COVID-19 in one of his novels.
L
LIFE: Pathological delusion believed in by CONSPIRACY THEORISTS.
LOCKDOWN: Utopian state that will free humanity for ever.
M
MISINFORMATION: Act of suggesting mistaken beliefs not permitted by the STATE: eg. 2+2=4 without reference to FACT CHECKERS.
N
NHS: Pre-2020 organisation, now defunct, providing placebo medication for now-debunked conditions such as “cancer”, “heart disease,” “diabetes” etc.
NORMAL; NEW: Post-2020 Age of Enlightenment: for further information see Zamyatin,, Y, We. Huxley, A, Brave New World.
O
OXFORD: UNIVERSITY OF: Developmental research station for COVID-19.
P
PANDEMIC: The current state of existence characterising life on Planet Earth.
PARLIAMENT: Pre-2020 institution, now defunct, dedicated to squabbling on television for the benefit of the masses over decisions that had already been taken by the STATE.
PLANDEMIC: Criminally insane publication written by CONSPIRACY THEORISTS.
POLICE: Pre-2020 organisation, now defunct, created to enact entertaining drama for the masses, e.g by driving around in fast cars and running about in city centres trying to catch “baddies” and “crooks.” Especially effective at reducing traffic congestion in December and January. Ref: Z-Cars, The Bill, Dixon of Dock Green.
PRISON: Institutions created to house ANTI-VAXXERS and CONSPIRACY THEORISTS.
Q
QUACK: Signatory of the GREAT BARRINGTON DECLARATION with fake Ph.D.
R
R NUMBER: Statistical integer for illustrating spread of COVID-19. Non-referenced.
S
SAFE: Condition of total atrophy. See DEATH.
SCIENTIST: Individual responsible for issuing warnings justifying lockdowns.
SKY NEWS: Unbiased source of information regarding COVID-19. To be broadcast in all pubs and places of entertainment.
SOCIAL DISTANCING: Introduced 2020. The natural form of communication for human beings requiring a respectful personal space. Let’s face it, how many years have you gone around putting up with bad breath, BO and fag smoke?
STATE, THE: Benefactor and source of all blessings.
SWEDEN: Rogue state of COVID-19 deniers.
T
T-CELL: Mythical component of IMMUNOLOGY used to mislead the public regarding COVID-19.
TRUMP, DONALD : Former president of the United States. Believer in debunked fantasy of DEMOCRACY.
U
UNITED KINGDOM, THE, Isolated control population for COVID-19 VACCINE. Characterised by inhabitants with zero capacity for rebelliousness.
V
VACCINE: Panacea for COVID-19. To be injected into population of entire planet. Declared safe by QUACKs. Said population expendable in drive to halt “climate change.”
VIROLOGY: Fake science intended to mislead the public regarding COVID-19.
VIRUS: Integral component of COVID-19. Non-referenced.
W
WE: (1924, Zamyatin, Y.) Blueprint for post-COVID-19 society.
WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION: Bunch of nice chaps who like sitting around talking about COVID-19.
WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM: Bunch of nice chaps who like sitting around talking about money.
Z
ZAMYATIN, Y: Author of “WE”, (soon to be banned)
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