Larken Rose: Tax Day! [Satire]

Tax Day!

by Larken Rose
April 13, 2023


Don’t let me catch any of you being greedy selfish scofflaws when it comes time to pay your fair share of the costs of society!

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Transcript prepared by Truth Comes to Light

In a few days it will be tax day again, and since a lot of people are having a tough time financially these days, myself included, I’m worried that a lot of you may not be in a mood to consider and support the important needs of “Uncle Sam” (which is a strange and creepy propaganda euphemism that we use to describe a bunch of rich and powerful political parasites).

So I’m making this video as a sort of pep talk to encourage you to do your civic duty and honor your obligation to support this great country of ours and and pay your fair share of the costs of society.

Now let’s be clear about our terms here. When I talk about this “country” and “society”, obviously I’m not actually talking about you or your neighbors or all the other taxpayers.
Because if I was, I would be encouraging you to give money to yourself — which would be both schizophrenic and pointless.

When I speak of your obligation to society, in your country, and whenever the media speaks of such things, we’re talking about you, the productive people, giving a hefty chunk of what you earn, what you produce, to a group of a few hundred self-serving, power-happy politicians in DC.

You see, you helping the economy by spending your own money on things you choose to buy, or voluntarily investing your money in various endeavors, or actually helping in your own community, giving to individuals and charities or patronizing local businesses, or running a business yourself and thus creating jobs yourself — none of those make you a good subject, I mean citizen.

No, supporting your country and paying your fair share of the costs of society refers only to all of the productive people, including you, handing over trillions and trillions and trillions of dollars to a tiny group of a few hundred politicians off in some grandiose halls somewhere.

Now you might wonder why that is. It’s because government does glorious, benevolent, essential things with your money, things that you’re far too selfish, stupid and short sighted to do on your own. So your betters, your political masters, need to spend your money for you.

Now maybe you think I’m talking about maintaining the roads or something like that. Well, no, things that might actually benefit you in some way make up only a tiny fraction of what the politicians steal from you.

For example, out of a federal budget pushing $6 trillion, only about 1% has anything to do with maintaining and fixing highways and bridges and so on. So if that’s what this fair share thing was all about — funding things that might actually benefit us mere peasants — then, even with the inefficient, corrupt, mangled government version of those services, we could still start by all getting a 99% tax cut.

So no, the reason you should proudly and faithfully pay your taxes and cough up all that money has nothing to do with benefiting you or the mere peasants. Your duty to society isn’t about enriching and empowering the normal people, it’s about enriching and empowering the ruling class because, duh, if it was about empowering the normal people, the best way to do that is let all the normal people, including you, keep and spend their own money.

But no, all of the actually honest, productive, decent people are morally and legally obligated to hand over trillions and trillions of dollars to a tiny group of political parasites.

For what purpose, you might ask? Well, I don’t want to get bogged down in all the exact numbers. I mean, you can look them up in the federal budget, if you wish.

But I’ll give a few of the important things that need your support, things that should fill you with a deep feeling of obligation, things that you should be happy and eager to fund.

As one example, occasionally the politicians just directly take your money, by way of taxes, and then through bailouts, give incomprehensible sums to the richest individuals and businesses in the world, including gigantic banks and massive corporations — because they’re too big to fail, you see.

You’re not too big to fail, by the way. If you fail, become broke and homeless and whatever, tough luck. But if the politician billionaire buddies and the massive corporations have trouble, even if it’s of their own making, well, then it’s your civic duty to bail them out — whether you want to or not, and whether you can afford to or not.

Now, they used to be a little more subtle about the ways they would take your money and funnel it to the ultra wealthy, but recently they figured out that they can just do it directly, right out in the open, right in front of your face, take it from you and give it to giant banks and corporations, and you’ll just damn well put up with it.

You might threaten to vote for somebody else in a few years, but since Democrats and Republicans are both doing this, that makes no difference.

Next, you should definitely feel an obligation to pay your fair share so that the US government can give what you earn to a bunch of foreign governments too. Billions to Afghanistan, billions to Israel. Now many billions to Ukraine. And so on and so on.

Now, they described this as giving aid to those countries. But of course, what they’re actually doing is giving money to the ruling classes of those countries, not to the rabble over there.

In other words, you’re paying taxes to a bunch of foreign governments by way of the American Government, whether you like it or not. And unless you’re some greedy, selfish creep, you will proudly go along with that and continue to feel a profound duty to have the fruits of your labor funneled off to countless political parasites, not just in the US but all over the world.

There are so many other important things that you should be proud to fund by way of your taxes such as Ponzi schemes disguised as retirement plans, which give absolutely no guarantee that you’ll ever receive a dime no matter how many thousands of dollars you’ve paid into the system over time.

Because the system contains exactly zero dollars of what you were forced to pay before. There is no account with money in it, and there never was. It was just a direct transfer payment taken from you and given to someone else.

And if that pyramid scheme happens to collapse before it’s time for you to receive the loot stolen from the next generation, well, sucks to be you.

But if you are a good, honest American, you better not doubt for a moment your obligation to continue to fund all of that. And if you think for some reason that you should be allowed to just save for your own retirement instead, without paying into or receiving anything out of the political Ponzi schemes, well, obviously you’re just an unpatriotic, criminal terrorist.

Now, one of the other things that should make you feel all warm and fuzzy about paying your taxes is the astronomical sums of money spent on the US war machine to engage in military occupation and blatant war mongering all over the world. Perpetually.

Now, I won’t even begin to try to cover all the ridiculous expenditures that the US military engages in. But you can look them up yourself. And I’ll give one example.

The US military’s involvement in Afghanistan for 20 years cost around $300 million a day. Every day. For 20 years.

$300 million a day. Every day. For 20 years.

And that’s just Afghanistan.

That’s not the whole military budget. Nowhere near.

Now, are you a good American who will gladly forego all the things that you might have been able to provide for your own family in order to fund that, whether you wanted it or not?

Also, you need to pay your fair share so that the Pentagon, basically the clubhouse of the biggest gang of psychotic warmongers in history, can spend a couple trillion dollars on — well, you don’t get to know what they’re spending it on.

Because on top of the massive military spending that we’re allowed to know about, not only is another huge portion of their budget secret, but more than once, the bureaucrats at the Pentagon have just declared that they lost a couple trillion dollars and don’t know where it went.

Among our population in the US of around 330 million people, that averages out to well over $6000 for every man, woman and child in the country that the Pentagon just lost.


One of those $2 trillion “oopsies” was announced the day before 9/11, 2001.

Oops, don’t know where it went, but don’t you worry, because wherever that money went, it was definitely, definitely more important than you being able to feed your own family and pay your own bills, obviously.

And this definitely should not make you, for a moment, think that you’re not obligated to hand over promptly and happily whatever amount, whatever chunk of what you earn that the politicians decide they want at any given moment.

And that’s the main message I wanted to impress on you today.

No matter how corrupt and wasteful, no matter how counterproductive, or downright insane, or just flat out evil, the actions of the US government become, never should you doubt your obligation to hand over as much money as the political parasites demand.

Don’t you dare be one of those greedy “tax cheats” who starts to think that maybe handing over the fruits of your labor to the worst people in the world isn’t actually good, isn’t actually useful, doesn’t actually help society or the country — and only serves, enriches and empowers crooks, thieves, warmongers and psychopaths.

No, you just do as you’re told. You give your masters whatever they demand. And you do it with a smile on your face and pride in your heart, knowing that you are among that huge number of loyal, obedient subjects who have, throughout history, faithfully funded and empowered every authoritarian regime and all of the oppression and injustice that they have inflicted upon humanity.

You should wear your unquestioning obedience and eagerness to pay tribute to your political masters as a badge of honor and indication of how morally superior you are, and you should resent and hate anyone who suggests that maybe we don’t have an obligation to fund political lunacy.

That enriching and empowering megalomaniacs and psychopaths maybe is not useful or good for humanity And you should definitely despise anyone who does anything to try to keep what they earn, tries to control their own money and tries to avoid being robbed to support the heinous anti-human abomination that is “government”.

So this tax day, be sure to pay your fair share and do it with pride in your heart and a smile on your face.


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Cover image credit: geralt & Clker-Free-Vector-Images